I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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