I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
