i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
