i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
