omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
