my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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