My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
