There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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