have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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