Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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