Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
