My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
