Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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