You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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