Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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