so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?