just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?