too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
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I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped