tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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