I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
