He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
