I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
