i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Send help, water and tortillas.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
