I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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