nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
