Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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