Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
