True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
