One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
