I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
