Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
