birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
