It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
