I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
