Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
