i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
