We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
