Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
