Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
