Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I believe in your delicious
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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