I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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