he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
