Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
