I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
