I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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