Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
