some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His hands were made for my vagina.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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