I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
