seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
