Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
