I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
