I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
