Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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