Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
too bad you live with your parents still
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
