saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.