i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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