I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
