Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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