Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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