i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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