I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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