i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
