Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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