a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
