I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
