Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
