If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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