I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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