are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
